Speak Out!
Do You Know Where Your Children Are?
Thu, 02/14/2008 - 11:00 | Family
Why are many parents clueless when their kids are into drugs and/or violence?
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Our Youth Need Mentors Where
Our Youth Need Mentors
Where are the role models and mentors for today's youth? Today's adults have to bear some of the responsibility for the lack of direction, lack of accountability and irresponsible behavior of many of today's youth. Who's raising our youth...the television, the drug dealers, the friends parents don't even know, the criminal justice system, the prison system...and the list goes on and on. Whatever happened to "It takes a village?" We have become so self-absorbed that taking time out for someone else seems foreign. Shame on us for letting our youth down and not providing them with the direction that they so desperately need. When we first look to blame, we must first look to ourselves and examine what role we played in the fiasco. Did we help or hinder the situation? If you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem; there is no middle ground. Doing nothing is a big part of the problem. Stop looking to the next person to do it! Get off the couch, turn off the T.V. and do something! You don't have to look very far to find someone in need, especialy a young person needing direction.
When is the last time you spoke to the youth on your block or in your neighborhood? You see them everyday, hanging out; stop and talk to them and see where their heads are, what's on their minds. Impart some nuggets of wisdom to them; someone is going to catch it and use it in a time of need. Our youth are crying out for someone to listen to them and give them foundational support and direction. Don't you have something to offer? Stop allowing the drug dealers to be the only ones lending them an ear and making them feel apart of their " family," their "drug dealing family." They're stealing our youth and the prison system is profitting from it and our families and communities are suffering from it. Friends, we can do better than this.
Come join with me to lead our youth to a better future. Let's galvenize our resources and make a real difference!
Become a menber of www.socialcommentary.ning.com (it's free) and join like-minded individuals for real change. Change starts with YOU!
The Collapse of a
The Collapse of a Community
One of the reasons that the black community is in such a sad, apathetic state is, in large part, due to the collapse of the family unit; a natural consequence of the collapse of the family is that the community erodes from within. The two parent home with structure and discipline (in which I was happily raised) seems to be extinct. I understood that if I acted up in the community, the neighbors would inform my parents and I would have serious consequences when I got home. I understood that going to school was not an option, it was my duty and responsibility, and there was no debate about it. I understood that I had to do my best in school and when I did I was rewarded, and when I didn't there were consequences. I understood that I had to go to church on Sunday, whether I wanted to or not, no debate. I understood that I had to earn my allowance by doing chores and doing my best in school. I understood that I could never, in this lifetime, under any circumstances, even now, be disrespectful to my parents or any adults or there would be serious consequences. I understood who was in charge and in control in our house and it wasn't me or my brother, it was my parents. I understood that I couldn't ask one parent something and then ask the other parent because I didn't like the answer of the first parent.
Structure and discipline in the home needs to start during early childhood. The biggest responsibility anyone will ever have in life is raising a child. Stop having children if you don't want to do right by them. You can't expect your child to produce what you didn't instill in him or her. Having children is called "reproduction;" you are reproducing in them what you are. Aahhh...., so, therein lies the issue. Parents are not producing productive children and families because parents aren't productive themselves. Many parents lack structure and discipline and are too concerned about being their child's friend instead of their parent. Children don't need more friends, they need parents to provide discipline, guidance, direction, morals, values and role models. Considering the negative influences in our communities that our children have to combat daily, the parental influence is the main thing that will counteract the street influence; and even then, it's still an uphill battle.
As a family/community, we've stopped having family dinner together where we learned about each other's day and what's going on with one another. We were once interested and involved in one another's lives. Now, we seem to function so independently and are so disconnected from the people with whom we live. Stop being so busy that you don't have time for your children/family. Stop allowing the televsion and the streets to raise your children. Stop complaining about how your child turns out if you didn't do your part when they were younger. Stop ignoring the youth in your neighborhood who needs what you have to give.
Lack of family values and spirituality, drug infestation (using and selling), lack of family cohesiveness, lack of emphasis on education, lack of morals and values, lack of structure and discipline which, among other things, leads to an increase in criminal behavior and a divided community is the scurge that has uprooted the foundation of the black community. And we have fed into all of the aforementioned and given it legs to run amuck in our families and communities. I think our forefathers would vomit if they were alive to see what we have made of all for which they have suffered and died. It's time for each one of us to do our part...stand up and take back our families and our communties! And yes, I'm talking to you! You have an important role to play as a leader in your family and community. Decide today how you are going to make a difference and post it here for discussion.
To start making a difference in this and many other community issues, become a member of www.socialcommentary.ning.com (it's free) and join other like-minded individuals for change. Change starts with YOU!
Who is to blame for why our
Who is to blame for why our youth are the way they are today? To instill fear in our children is not the way to raise them; love is powerful and impervious to threats and beatings. Our society has failed the black families. And families subsequently fail their children.
We are only 400 years so called free from slavery and yet we remain mentally enslaved. We continue to be like our oppressors. We have forgotten our roots. We have forgotten how to be true to ourselves and authentic. We identify ourselves by what we own and how good we look. Until we can learn to listen to one another, sincerely love and respect each other's opinions, even our children’s, we will continue to beat and maim them, create drug addicts, sex abusers, women and children terrorizers, and etc.
I believe Dr. Julia Hare has words that can uplift our community. She borders on doing just that. But when you look at the generation she speaks of, where parents beat their children, one wonders well how did it come to a generation where our children are not properly disciplined. Most likely the generation that got the beatings stopped or continued and went to the other end of the pendulum.
What we need as a nation of black, white and others is balance. Most of us think because we break our backs providing for our children they should be grateful. As parents we forgot that the main ingredient to have a cohesive family and a cohesive nation is to strive for love and respect and stop trying to control and discredit a person's feelings. As parents we must be in touch with our true feelings so we can pass on what is true for all of us. If we continue to neglect our children in the areas of sex, sexuality, the care of money, and how to treat others, this world is going to grow much worse than it already is.
Presently I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth…” I am not finished with the book, but so far I find his theory to make sense in that it is our ego that prevents us from finding peace in our personal and world community. I have read Dr. Hare’s opinion a few months ago and I still disagree with her.
D. Marshall, you make some
D. Marshall, you make some great points in your comments above, but I disagree with your final point. I would bet that there are MANY people reading this blog and others who are in denial or ashamed of their own past and for whatever reason they choose not to talk to their children about drugs, sex, violence, politics, life, etc.
I agree 100% with Ms. Diggs
I agree 100% with Ms. Diggs (School Teacher). I'm an officer that works with kids from elementary to high school. All different issues, the most common is lack of attention from the parents. Even if they have both parents! The one thing I try to get across to the middle school kids and high school kids is, they have a choice to choose their future paths. Of course it's based on their past experience from home, community and school. But, they have that choice. I then teach them how to make those choices about sex, drugs, gangs, money and whatever they have to choose from. The key as stated before, these topics have to be
explained to them in a responsible way. If they are not getting it at home, I give it to them wherever I can.
The last thing I want to say, those parents that are in denial or don't know. They are not reading this blog/website or even know about it.
Parents are not talking to
Parents are not talking to their kids. Parents are too busy talking at children instead of listening. I mean having a real discussion with your child, by sharing your childhood, teen years, college years experiences. Most parents are too ashamed to tell their children the truth about life, people, drugs, sex, politics, and education.
I have to agree with the
I have to agree with the above comments. As a middle school teacher, I see the transition that takes place with kids once they enter into middle school. When they get to middle school they are going through a transition period in many areas. They bodies are changing, and they are busy trying to fit in with the crowd. This is a critical time in their lives and a time when parents probably need to be more involved than ever. Instead what I see the most is parents trying to give their children more freedom when they are not mature enough to handle it.
Another issue is that parents today are busy for whatever reason and often don't give their kids the attention that they need especially when they start getting into the adolescent years. Some parents work a lot, some parents are trying to kick it, or whatever the case may be and they end up not paying attention to what is going on with their kids. I see it all the time. Kids come to school clowning and when we call the parents to come in either we can't get them or they can't take off work. Many times they don't believe that their child is doing anything wrong because they "know" better. But when we don't have time to pay attention to our kids at home they will start seeking attention where ever and from whom ever they can. This is how they start hanging out with the wrong people and getting involved with gangs and drugs or what have you. As parents we have to pay attention because if we don't our kids can get themselves in some serious trouble. We have to pay attention to what they watch on television, what they are listening to on the radio, what video games they are playing, who their friends are, what type of homework they have, what clothes they put on, etc. That is not happening enough anymore and I believe this is why it seems that so many parents are clueless. Not only do we have to pay attention, but we also have to talk to our kids about issues that they may come up against. I believe that one of the biggest reasons that many kids do things they should not do is because they are curious. I think that if we spend more time talking to our children about sex, drugs, and violence, then they won't have to learn about these things in the streets and they will be better prepared when they are faced with these issues.
I agree that parents are
I agree that parents are unaware of the affect of the culture, (music, media, fades) on their child, especially if the youth is entering middle or high school.
Traditionally, as a youth enters middle school, there is a natural tendency for a youth to begin to pull away from their parent to demonstrate more independence. The parents, in turn, will also allow their child to operate more independently but as they pull away, they become engrossed with things, beliefs, and people that may not coincide with their parental values. As a result, the noise of the crowd, those people, things, & contrary belief systems becomes greater than the voice of their parents.
When a youth enters middle school, whatever core values have been instilled in a child will be tested during those years. Middle school for some youth denotes a middle ground, an unsure place, a place of insecurity; their identity has not been totally formed or established, so during those times there must be a constant vigilance, guidance, and a reiteration of core values with a higher explanation of those beliefs as it relates to the culture.
There are several
There are several possibilities as to why parents are clueless in regards to their kids becoming involved with drugs and/or violence. It could be denial, lack of maturity, single parenting, economic status…just depends….and all reasons are excuses.
I say that because I was an eighteen year old, single parent, with very little assistance from my children's father. I was also a mother who was determined to not lose her children to the system. I made sure I was involved in their lives and supported them, enabling them to a healthy and eventful childhood. I was at
all football and basketball games, wrestling tournaments, and track meets. I also made sacrifices. I didn’t take the jobs that pulled me away for 50-60 hours a week; I didn’t party; I was at home with my boys.
Although we struggled, we had fun and they also knew their place. I’m not saying I was a perfect parent or they were perfect kids but we made it through. The boys are now in college and I am working on my doctorate.
I guess the bottom line is parents need to pay attention, get involved, and support their children.
Everyone is making great
Everyone is making great points. I, as a parent, also feel that we are not clueless but instead in denial when it's our child that’s going astray. Let's be real, when it’s someone else's child, it's easier to be critical and see faults, but when it’s our child we just don’t call a spade a spade (denial).
There can be many factors as to why a child will do drugs. We as parents must do our best to raise our children and also the children within our communities. In addition, parents need to look in the mirror and ask some tough questions like, are we at home when our kids at home? Are we sitting down together at the dinner table and eating together as a family? Are we encouraging our children to be respectful to their elders? Are we expecting the same of our children’s friends as we are of our children? Do our children feel comfortable enough to come and talk to us (parents) about drugs and sex? Do we need to re-evaluate our lifestyles so we can have more home time with our families? There are many other questions I can ask but for now I will hold off. Let's be real with our selves, none of us is perfect, and we all have multiple areas that we can work on in our lives. Finally, whatever happened to community? How many neighbors do you know?
I’m a 30 man with a 10 child, and I can remember when I was 10 that when I got into trouble it was from neighbors, parents, and grandparents. Now days, I just don’t see that happening. I see adults working longer hours and families spending less and less time together. As far as communities, now days, I must be honest and ask the question what is a community? The children, especially middle and high school, just don’t have anything positive or productive to do after school is out. So are we really shocked that our children are getting caught up in the drug game? I don’t think so!
In my opinion, many parents
In my opinion, many parents don't understand their children’s social environment (technology, media, tolerance). The world as they (parents) knew it is vastly different today than it was yesterday (when they were children). On top of that, single-parent households are growing at a brisk pace (especially in the black community). The sword has two edges.
While discussing this topic
While discussing this topic with a friend.This is his answer to this response: Some of it has to do with brainwashing, mis-education, parents relying too much on the system and not enough on old fashioned Values..Look at what we are dealing with; kids who are raised by kids, the values that there once was to raise kids by... is long gone...The Bible says to spare the rod and not the child...Today's system is against the parent chastising children. If parents chastise their children, they will know where they are. It starts with the Love of God in the homes.
Jade: It is different when
Jade: It is different when dealing with your kids. I actually stated that in my above comment: Quote: "However, it is different when it comes to your kids; I think I would have lost it, had it been my child". You’re absolutely right Jade, there’s no way I can compare my experience with my ex-husband to my child. That is not even a good comparison, it's different on many levels. In addition, might I add your comment is right on point? Thanks!
I have to add, that having a
I have to add, that having a husband on drugs is not the same as having a child involved with drugs. Children are your responsibility - to raise, nurture, discipline, teach, etc. The responsibilities that you have towards a husband are completely different.
Well, denial is part of it,
Well, denial is part of it, however, plain and simple, some parents aren't paying attention. Sometimes you have to make tough choices, and if that means taking a pay cut to parent your child then that's what you need to do. It makes no sense to work from 2pm to after midnight. Then your kids are raising themselves. I know so many parents working second and third shift that have no idea what time their kids get in or what they're doing during that time period.
We need closer parenting. For example, we have parents that wake their kids up for school then go to bed and if the kid goes back to sleep they blame the kid. Parents really need to step up to the plate more.
Parents are not clueless,
Parents are not clueless, they are just in denial. Who wants to face the fact that their loved one is doing drugs or into violence? It is easier to pretend, than to face reality. It hurts a parent to know that with all of their parenting, something went wrong. Sometimes it is the parents fault when things like this happen but 85% of the time - it is the will of the child that sets off the rebellion spirit.
I cannot imagine dealing with a child on drugs and thank God, I never had to, but I did experience a dead lock marriage that ended in divorce, for these reasons. Therefore, I know what it is to deal with someone that engages himself in such a detrimental catastrophe. Believe me when you are dealing with that bad spirit, life is no crystal stairs. It did not help me to be in a situation like that at the age of twenty-seven years old; hell, I did not know what hit me. One day matrimony, the next moment the skeletons fell out the closet. All that was hidden suddenly came to the light like thunder. Where were the signs, they were known. You know why, because at a young age, I did not know what to look for? My whole world was turned upside-down. Did I know what to do, no? Did I give ultimatums, yes? Did it work, let's just say this, I learned through my experience that when dealing with someone with a stronghold on them, it's best to make your decision on which way you want to go in life. You can either stay and battle the demons or be smart and let that person battle them on their own, because really to be honest with you, they will end up pulling you down in the pit before they let go of those drugs. I don’t do pits-so you know my outcome. However, it is different when it comes to your kids. I think I would have lost it, had it been my child. I will turn west hell over and out when it came to my son, rest his soul.
I have experience some down pits in my life, snares that the devil tried to set before me with people that have come into my life. However, God kept his hand locked in mine and that is how I made it. Dealing with someone on drugs is mentally and physically tiring. The things that I encounter as a young woman- dealing with a husband on drugs were more than I bargain for. This situation scarred me for a while; I did not date for sometime because I did not trust anyone. My life was put on hold simply because my direction in life had been altered. It made me wiser, I gain wisdom but my heart was crushed. Not because I knew exactly what love was, but because what I thought was my plan to live happily ever after, became my biggest nightmare. The moral of the story is this, we never know what we will get in life, but one thing is for sure is this, you do not have to keep that thing in life, if you choose not to.
I used to be embarrassed about the shame I encounter as a wife with a husband on drugs. However, over the years what I have learned is that my experiences are my own and everyone else has their story.