Speak Out!
The absence of fathers
Sun, 06/17/2007 - 22:58 | Family
An MSNBC article references a Census Bureau report which indicates approximately 1 in 4 children were living in households without a father—that translates to 56% of Black children living in single-parent families:
More than 19 million children — about one in four — were living in households where no father, biological or other, was present, according to a Census Bureau report in 2005. The statistics also show that this burden falls more heavily on black children. Some 56 percent of black children lived in single-parent families in 2004, with most of those families headed by mothers. That figure compared with 22 percent of white children and 31 percent of Hispanic children.How can we educate our men on the devastating impact of a dad’s absence?
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Men should be educated by
Men should be educated by other fathers, not some tough guy with a Bachelor's in Parenting. Being a male parent requires him to be a MAN first. It's so easy to stray and leave responsibilitys behind. That's why so many deadbeat dads are up in the club, or out in the streets doing whatever with whoever; they have the freedom to do so. Doesn't mean it's right, but they do. We as women, need to get to know someone, and know that they won't be an absent father, really know, before we allow them to plant the seed. It takes 2 to make a thing go right, remember that? I knew the fathers wouldn't be in my children's lives. I didn't care then; I thought of me being a mom; I felt like if they want to miss out, go ahead, I can't, but I don't want my children to have that mentality. I lived and learned, found out the hard way, but I am making it through with God's Grace. A lot of these men, who are absent, had absent fathers themselves. Others who had their dad, just haven't grown up yet. No matter how much they call themselves men, you and I know what's going on. I don't feel they need a support group; I think they need to really smell the roses. They need a reality check; they need to know what they are missing and neglecting. Time is precious; we can't have any of it back.
I have often wondered why it
I have often wondered why it is that Black men who have spent a significant length of time in another culture (such as in the Caribbean islands or Africa) fare much better than Black men born and bred in the diasporas. By that, I mean educationally and in their aspirations; they seem to have more drive and ambition. They also seem to value the family more.
I acknowledge that this is a generalisation but it is a disturbing pattern that I have observed whilst living in Europe and the USA. My intention is not to offend anyone.
Is there something about being exposed to another culture such as an African culture that gives Black men a certain self esteem and different values?
There is a reason why it
There is a reason why it takes a man and a woman to make a child; it's because it takes a man and a woman to raise a child also. I'm not going to talk about my personal story, but I will give you a story that if anything will make you think. In late June of 2007, West Palm Beach, FL a 35-year old (black) woman who lives in Section 8 housing (the projects) with her 12-year old son was gang raped by 10 (black) boys between the ages of 14 and 17. The boys not only raped and sodomized her in her own house for 3 hours, but beat up her son and forced the mother to perform oral sex on her own son at gun point. It is quite obvious that these boys lacked the men in their lives to teach them what it means to be a man so they decided to teach themselves. More power to you mothers that have to do it by yourself, (my mom did too) but these boys are craving that male figure in their life to show them what it means to be a man and if they don't get it at home they will go looking for it from somewhere else, in this case it was gang life. This does not just effect her and her son, but us all because it could have been anybody. It could have been you or someone you love.
I encourage all men to become more active in their community because the truth is a good man is hard to find but we still need their presence where ever it can be found.
Let's live in the real world;
Let's live in the real world; black men don't like each other as a whole. The young shoot each other over what[RESPECT]. We the old know we can't win this fight until all black men young and old want the same thing [PEACE LIKE BLACK MEN HAD IN THE 70'S]. Until Tiger Woods, Eddie Murphy, Will Smith, Mr. Obama and other high profile BLACK MEN stand up for the black man who doesn't have a voice, IT'S ALL JUST TALK. BLACK AND I'M PROUD JAMES BROWN, GREAT MAN FOR HIS TIME, WHERE ARE THE GREAT MEN OF THIS TIME?.
FOCAT, I am with you 100%. I
FOCAT, I am with you 100%. I also feel for Ennis. I have have seen men go threw the same thing that you are going threw, It is sad. I am divorced but remarried. I have never had any problems with my two boys and their father, nor has my new husband. We all get along, we have to because its not the kids fault that were not together. We get along for our children. It's all about thinking about the children and not yourselves. You have to put them first. As far as men not taking care of children, yeah some men just don't care. Woman we have to make then want to care. You have to communicate with them. You have to let them know that you are not to good for help, "I don't need a man" you are not there to put them down. Let them know even if they don't have the money to take their kids places or help pay child support, just spending time with them is all those children need right now. The money will come, maybe not a lot but love over sees money sometimes. Believe it or not. and when you do get the money use it for the kids, pay a light bill, water bill. etc. Don't go spend it on a Gucci bag, or some new shoes for your self. Put it towards the kids. I have seen a lot of times the fathers give the money and it all goes towards the mom, don't be selfish. Take care of your children first. It will make the father want to give more, if he sees you are indeed putting it towards the children, and don't ever talk bad about their father. I don't care if you think he is the scum of the earth. Try to always be positive, its not the child's fault you don't like daddy. I could go on and on about this subject, but men and woman have to look at the over all picture, its not about you! It's about that child. Think about them first. You last, they didn't asked to be brought in this world.
A man's view: Stop blaming
A man's view:
Stop blaming the man! After the fact is called DAMAGE CONTROL - what is needed is PREVENTION! Yes - men need to be in the home, yes - they need to take care of their kids, yes - they need to take care of other responsibilities. But some have shown that they cannot or will not and what is the result - they are rewarded by the ladies with the booty (hence two or three baby mamas).
What happened to dating? What happened to marriage? We refuse to hear older and wiser voices telling us to do it the right way, the old-fashioned way. Yet one expects support from the "Coalition of the Sympathetic" when Mr. Sexy Black Mandingo turns out to be a mere child in grown man's costume, completely abdicating the responsibility we had to make sure that this individual was worthy of your love and qualified to be a good father and responsible role model. Some of us change phones when we can't pay the bill, change addresses when we can't pay the rent, change cars when we can't pay the note - yet a woman is utterly "surprised" that a Negro will leave her pregnant when they are not even married. This thing calls for common sense and painful reality checks.
The reality - close the Candy Store. If he won't buy the product (that is marry you), then don't give away your precious resource as if it is stamped "Made in China" (that is cheap and easily available for the ones that did not get it). Women have the power to stop this out of control sea-saw if they chose. Stop having pre-marital sex (because sex with a condom is not 100%) and that will but a significant if not [a positively] catastrophic dent in the single family dilemma. Anything outside of consensual sex is considered rape and per definition, you - women are contributing to your own troubles if your child was conceived in consensual union. Because the reality is that laying with a man that has no reason to stay with you, that is out of love for you, is taking a gamble - and the odds are in the favor of the house - in this case the man who can readily pick up and leave.
I know - but there are no good men around. It is a myth. However, the "I'm black, educated, I don't need you, I can have another man here in a minute attitude" won't warm hearts and bring that Prince Charming to your life. And please stop saying men are intimidated by your success when it is really we are annoyed by your attitude. Bottom line ladies (and those who have been married for a while, or even dating will tell you) - those superficial attributes are good for attracting suitors but horrible for keeping a mate. After a man gets over the brains and the booty - he wants someone who is warm, inviting and submissive in a Godly feminine way - a love partner and not a sparring partner.
I would encourage females out there to learn how to be women - women of virtue - more by deed and less by word. It may cause you some lonely nights but in the end you'll have the man, the children and the life you envisioned rather than living in a nightmare.
Strong [black] homes build, strong [black] communities build, strong [black] societies.
We all know the problems.
We all know the problems. When are we going to come in for the cure? The most disturbing character flaw that I have discovered in nearly 25 years of leading, teaching, and training men is our inability to seek other men for wisdom, guidance, and knowledge on how to live our lives, love our wives, and raise our children. We know that we don't know, but we don't want anyone else to know that we don't know. Brothers, here's a quiet secret. When you don't know, your wife/woman and even your children know that you don't know. They just are not going to say anything to protect your fragile ego. But they know! I understand how vulnerable men feel when they have to go to another man to admit that they don't know. Therefore, I wrote a book "A Multitude of Counsel on Strengthening the Family" that men can use to learn everything he needs to know in the privacy of his own home and use/develop a plan on how to raise and lead his family in the sight of GOD. There is a chapter on Leadership. Once we become fathers and husbands, we also become leaders. However, no one ever sits us down and teaches us how to lead. There is a chapter on Sex & Marriage. What happens to your body whenever you have sexual intercourse? Did you know that GOD placed chemicals in you and your mate's bodies that is designed to cause the two of your fleshes to become one? Did you know that a wedding does not constitute a marriage? It takes the average couple 3-5 years to become married. Most couples do not understand the difference, and realize that becoming married is a physical process of dying to one's individual former life and being resurrected into new life as one, which is the reason most marriages end within 5 years. There is a chapter on Communication. Did you know that when communication breaks down, the marriage begins to break down. When couples stop communicating they eventually stop touching. Once they have stop touching for a protracted period, they end up in divorce court. Each chapter in the book is designed to address critical issues that every man needs to know, from a spiritual perspective, yet most men don't. The point to this message is we know what the problems are. The question is when are we going to stop complaining about the pain and come in for the cure. Single women who are struggling to raise sons can use the knowledge in this book to help lead their sons into manhood as well. Women who have brothers, sons, or husbands in jail should make sure they receive a copy as well.
All too often I read and hear
All too often I read and hear of father's who do not care for their children. I have no doubt that in some cases this is true however there is another story that seldom is told involving custodial interference. Every single father I’ve met so far has a deep love and longing to be with their child but in some cases want nothing to do with their X. Too often women will put stipulations on visitation with children. The child is seen as some sort of property or bargaining chip. Many men would rather not deal with the continued bitterness and heartache that the X causes. I used to not think this was reason enough to stop trying. However when the entire system views single fathers as a negative, it’s difficult not to take the path of least resistance. I chose resistance.
My X tries to make my life with my children as difficult as possible. Even after my children were taken in the night over 1000 miles away, lied on in court, robbed of prosperity and blocked at every waypoint, I still push forward and won’t give up. While every fiber in me wants to sometimes, I won’t. I know one day I’ll be able to look my kids eye to eye and tell them I didn’t. So I’m stuck 4 states away in a job I can’t quit because the courts ordered me not too. Not bringing home enough money to pay bills and the cost of such a long trip. Now I go from a father who used to cook dinner for my kids on break nightly, to just a man who has not seen his children in 2 years. 3 times a week I call to speak to them, but all too often I talk to an answering machine. Since my X’s remarry, she’s done everything in her power to erase me from my children’s mind, and derail me as a person. From changing the way she refers to me when talking to them, “your Dad” to “that man”. It’s a way to undermine and usurp any authority and respect they had for me. What will this do to their psyche in the future? She requires them to call her new husband “dad”. A man who doesn’t provide for a dime of their support. This I can say with all confidence due to the amount I pay in child support and medical insurance. I keep less than 1/3 of my paycheck and pay taxes on 100% of it, with no ability to claim them. I pay for a new Hummer in her driveway, yet my car is 15yrs old. I know many women reading this would say “You go girl!” yea,..You go girl. Go and spend my children’s college money, spend their long term future, to support a short term unjustified vindictive goal. It is short term also. I know all of this has an end date, and when it’s done, I will have been robbed of my children’s past, and they from a father that could have shown them the value of hard work, education, and commitment. I am a good man, and I was/am a good father. I just want the opportunity to continue. However with the current state of America’s family court system I doubt this will happen before it’s too late.
My story is not unusual but from what I’ve experienced the norm. Now is there men out here who won’t pay child support, won’t keep a job or address, and are basically vagrants…well of course there are. However chances are that man was that way when he became a father. So who’s to really blame for bringing a child into the world by someone like this?
I believe that one of the
I believe that one of the biggest problems that is leading to black men being out of the home, are black mothers spoiling them when they're growing up and black women allowing black men to treat them any kind of way. I have watched this behavior lead to no morals, disrespect and commitment issues.
I love black men, I just wish they loved themselves.
Stop reducing the role
Stop reducing the role fathers play; they should not be visitors in their child's lives. The court system makes it so hard, along with and including being arrested and sent to jail 30 days or more in other cases. The reports clearly show most dad's pay their child support; they want to be involved with their sons/daughters. Let fathers be fathers not just a paycheck. Let your voice be heard, step up, and let it be without question. Fathers want to be involved with their children's lives. Or at least I do.
Hi Teri It is my hopes that
Hi Teri
It is my hopes that all men especially our black men come to the crossroad in his life that would create a conscience that will allow him to make a healthy decision for himself. It is my hopes that black men see the devastation that they have on their seed/seeds when they walk out on family. I also know that you can't be what you don't know how to be-but in that same breath I never knew how to be a mother and no instructions came with it. It is and always has been experience that leads one to the road of discovery.
No one can say or ever will say with honesty that life has been perfect for them. It is the staying power that separates the good from the bad. When we exercise that staying power -that power allows God the room to work with our faith and that faith with our works begin to mend itself together for our good. I have struggled, cried and in my frustration wanted to give up on my journey of motherhood. But by God's grace and mercy he held me closer to his heart and he never gave up on me. It is something about the inner power and strength that God gives to each individual. It’s something I can't quite explain but something inside of me-will never let me give up.
I know what hard is-it’s a road filled with obstacles and darts just for the children of God. But one thing that I understood very clearly on my journey-if I didn’t do in many circumstances-then who would? My son was given to me by God and God's expectation of me was very high-so how could I walk away. What gives me the right to walk away from my circumstances...? If I waited for circumstances to be on point-then my whole life would be on push/ pause.
It's never easy in life and the bible tells us that-but I commend you for finding your way. But what about the men that need someone to point them in that direction? Everyone will not have the heart or motivation to do what is right. I still say that Black men are the foundation that we are missing and without them we are missing that valuable piece of the puzzle.
We do need to have an organization for men-facilitated by men- to encourage them to be the man God intended for them to be. Black men have extraordinary power when it comes to struggle-I just wish that they could finally see that struggle and apply it to our kid’s lives... It's not my desire to offend any man with my comments-it is my hopes that you will find inspiration in the words that I say...
I agree with most of the posting all except one and I won't call any names-but I think everyone is entitled to his/her opinion- even when we don't agree. But a least we can begin to examine each others opinion and in doing so maybe we can get something out of it... "
“Much Love In Essence”
Dearest Tracey, Tamara, Lisa,
Dearest Tracey, Tamara, Lisa, and Regina, may I first commend you for your comments. I am a Black man who has stayed with my family and have been with my wife for the last 29 years, but the road has not been easy. First of all I came from a broken and abusive family background where my father wasn't present everyday after I was 7 years of age, and then we only saw him on weekends; you know the drill. Then mom had a few uncles in and out of our lives (people whom she thought we, me and my 2 brother's, needed). From them we witnessed, some good, mostly bad, examples of what a good man should've been. I don't mean to digress, it's just that most of us had to chip away at the bad stuff in order to find the man that we were meant to become. I mean both my parents found God through religion. I in my time have made God the Head of my life. But in between those times was the trial and error part where I believe most of us men struggle, I went through a period in my life especially my 20's where i was experimenting with all kinds of things and ideas, drugs, sexual identity all the above, thinking and trying to convince myself that everything was temporary thus not really my responsibility. I believe that the understanding of God I gain through the understanding of fantasy, history and allegory, and myths help me formulate a real understanding that the only path that I was to choose was not of my father's or anyone else but the one God and the fates have set before me. So I understand most womens dilema with us. But if you give us the encouragement we need, we will all, I believe this with my whole heart, that even a drug dealer wants to do right, once he finds out what right really is, I promise to continue to be an example as God has called me to be.
"To Thine Own be True"....
"To Thine Own be True".... This appears to be only an aspiration with so many hurting black men that can not give that which they do not have. How can a man accept stewardship of his rightful position of being a husband,father or the head unless he receives direction to forge ahead. In order to close the widening gap in our community our black men that are in our churches, Greek organizations and local elected offices must consistently model, embrace & mentor our brothers on what being a "MAN" should be. A movement must be birthed that can yield a change. It is foolish of those of us that are enlightened to believe that self-study alone will enlighten each man to action. Let us be mindful...Faith without work is dead. Our brothers' deserve our forgiveness for what has not been done so they can forgive themselves, begin healing and to accept stewardship of their rightful place- Head of the Black family. After all, if we are truly our brothers' keeper the spirit of service to all mankind and brotherhood must embrace those that are loss, meet the brothers' where they are then build them up!
I have been a single mother
I have been a single mother for many years even during the years that i was unhappily married to the father of my children. I would like to say that my ex husband grew up in a home with both original biological parents yet because his mother was the dominant parent he grew up with a skewed perspective. He was unable to handle the responsibilities of fatherhood let alone being a husband. Even with all my coaching (having been raised by a single mother myself with a "step in" father, I understood that he lacked things that came naturally to me. However he was unable to receive my signals, my actions/advice because it made him seem "incompetent" as a man.
We divorced and it freed him. I thought he would step up and work to at least have a relationship with his SON and daughter but he did no such thing. Teh only time the kids spent time with him was after they burst into tears and I went to "find" him.
Now they are 19 and 15 and he's been out of their lives for over 6 years. I would love to gloat about all that he's missed but they missed out on him as well. He wasn't a bad guy. So I ask this...
Walking out on his seed is sometimes what males do when they feel what they have to offer is not enough. When they don't bring in enough money, enough stability, enough of themselves. They walk away when they feel that the family would be better without them. The mother's family/friends will offer more support for them when he is not around. What about those guys?
We have to teach young active males what it means to be a man before you can teach them to be fathers. Anybody can plant a seed. But a man can plant it, protect it (even when he has nothing but his shirt), nuture it even if it means he goes without. A man knows that it's crucial for him to be there.
I watch too many women beat up men who aren't providing the life of luxury to them and the kids. Always asking for more instead of working with what they can afford. Basic necessities to live. I did not raise my children alone. I had the help and support of people who weren't even blood relations. I often reached out to my children's father to show him how even when our relationship failed he still had so much to offer them. And when he did, make enough money to take care of them, it was too late. He'd already told himself that he had failed as a family provider and we havent heard from him since.
I haven't seen many organizations that address the nurturing of our black males. Truly nurtures them. They are few and underfunded.
So I ask again...what about the man that walks away from his seed because he doesn't know that he is enough to begin with?
I don't care what Regina
I don't care what Regina Howard says, it takes a man to raise a male child...Women have been sucessful but in most cases these young men had male figures in their lives, uncles, grandfathers, etc.
Black men need to step up to the plate in order for the race to move forward. The black ministers need to set aside one month of the year to stress the resposibilities of black fathers...I have heard many sermons on a womens place but very few on "fatherhood"..this includes fathers that are not in the household, regardless of payment of child support or not... Children need parents love, guidance, not just a check in the mail which often is not the case anyway.
I don't need a man! I am god
I don't need a man! I am god all by myself. I am mother and anything else you want to call me. I am that and lots more. I gave my baby daddy an ultimatim before my child was born. He chose his brethern Loved self and anything he could get his hands on. Too bad he missed out on the best thang! He's not coming back. I don't like second hand stuff. I would like to be "the first laedie", as the Man would put it. So, Campell Dale Anderson, you, your social security number, and possess can "Kiss My Grits", Shirley Murdock, Shirley Caesar, and Big Shirley would probably say!
Sincerely,
Reginia Howard
bka Regina
There needs to be an
There needs to be an organization/support group for black men headed by a respectful father figure that would support and teach men about the devastation of their absent from their child/children. Many churches should have a family ministry-a ministry that teaches our men the importance of families’ values. If a man has never had a father figure in the home how then can they know how to be a father? They will never understand the pain that is associated with walking out on their seeds- if they understood the pain- I don’t think that there wouldn’t be so many fathers absent from their families.
When it comes to the development of our kids we are missing the most important connection-the family. I hear influential leaders, Governors, politicians and many other leaders talk about many issues but there is never enough emphasis placed on families. Broken families are the leading cause of many issues that our children face. When parent/parents are absent from the families it creates an emergency crisis that will be felt for generations to come. It creates a devastating world that the child is forced to cope in without any instructions. That child feels a sense of loneliness, low self esteem, anger, confused, lack of love and many other things that separate them from the rest of the world.
It’s a road that is filled with distractions from sources that could lead to drugs, alcohol, high school dropout, prostitution and many other harmful things that the streets has to offer . These are things that our children connect with just to feel like they belong. Most of our kids seek out gangs just to feel the family connection-it’s a cry for a love connection no matter where they get it from.
When a father leaves his seed and walk away from responsibilities –that father is sending a message of how much he doesn’t care about the life of his kids. He never looks behind him to see the sadness in that child’s eyes which will be there for a lifetime. I think every father in America and especially black fathers need to adopt the slogan “No child left behind”…. When that child is old enough to understand life- he/she is eventually told about the absent of the father and from that point on a gruesome perception is created in that child’s mind with many unanswered question of WHY?
That child is forced to live a life with unanswered question of why his/her father walked out.
That child wonders why Mom stayed but my dad walked out.
Fathers are essential and the curse of walking out on their kids needs to be broken. We need to hear more on how important families are and without fathers that family foundation is broken. God loves and values family-so why don’t we have that same value place on families? Again evidence over decades shows that “together we stand-divided we fall. Without family we are headed down a road of destruction. If our kid’s welfare doesn’t show that evidence- than what will it take for America/black fathers to see the importance of building our family foundation?
Black men you are the rock that upholds the family foundation -with you missing- that puzzle is incomplete. The hurt that your seed faces without you in his/her life is more than any child should have to experience. It’s a life that is filled with uncertainties and many unanswered question. That child now lives with a part of him/her missing and the hurt never goes away. There should be groups organize for fathers-a group called “Nurturing my Seed “